


you're the moon on a cold grey sea.

by mystrongestsuit



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, F/F, Multi, Polyamory, Trigger Warning for EDs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 14:45:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15687531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystrongestsuit/pseuds/mystrongestsuit
Summary: Isabelle Lightwood was raised as a soldier, a warrior. A weapon. An instrument. And an instrument needed to be finely tuned, didn’t it?





	you're the moon on a cold grey sea.

**Author's Note:**

> EATING DISORDER TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> title from "all for you" by night riots

Isabelle Lightwood was raised as a soldier, a warrior. A weapon. An instrument. And an instrument needed to be finely tuned, didn’t it? 

Izzy doesn’t remember the first time she looked in the mirror and saw her flaws in high-definition, starkly contrasting the women she watched walk through the Institute with perfect bodies and intimidating beauty. She doesn’t remember the first time she skipped a meal, the first time she snuck out into the training room to work her body until she collapsed on the cold floor and bruised her cheek. She doesn’t remember the first time she crept out of her room, late at night when the rest of her family was asleep, and ate until tears dripped out of her eyes onto her empty plates. 

But Izzy does remember the first time someone asked. 

It was Clary, eventually. A lifetime of hiding this from her parents and her brothers and her friends, then some naive little not-Mundane walks in after knowing her half a week, catches Izzy on a bad day and cracks the whole thing within a day? It was hardly fair. 

And damn the person who made tiny Clary Fray so good at reading people (and Izzy, particularly), because all her excuses roll right off the red-head. Before she knows it, she’s sobbing into Clary’s shoulder and Clary’s rubbing her back with a gentle grip. She smells like paint and apple-cinnamon crumble. 

Izzy feels like she’s breaking on fault lines, cracks beneath her skin, that she didn’t even know she had, and she’s never hated herself more for being this vulnerable, so she cries and cries until she can’t think anymore. Clary sits with her for hours, then leaves with a promise of breakfast tomorrow and a kiss on Izzy’s forehead. 

And that’s that.

Izzy’s life slowly becomes a bit more than what it used to be. A bit better. Her mornings become breakfast with Clary at a coffee shop a mile from the Institute, where, on their first visit Izzy ordered a black coffee and Clary plied her with sips of her latte until they were both laughing breathlessly. Her days become sparring with Clary until they were both seeing stars, but not in the way that meant Izzy was about to pass out from exhaustion and malnutrition on the floor. Her nights become missions and movie nights and a slow soundtrack of her falling deeply and incredibly in love with the only girl she’s ever cried on the shoulder of. And things are good. 

Until they meet Maia. Maia, who is gorgeous and smart and strong. Maia, whose collarbones make Izzy think of the taste of frosting out of the can and the feeling of kneeling on the bathroom floor. Maia, who Clary is obviously smitten with. 

And wasn’t it hard enough, teaching herself not to wrap her fingers around her wrists every time Clary smiled at her? Wasn’t it hard enough seeing Clary’s height and weight in her records, and suffering the disgust and shame of almost reducing the girl she was in love with to a collection of numbers? But now there’s Maia. And Izzy is no stranger to open relationships; she has no problems with possession and jealousy and all that shit, and even if she did Maia is incredible enough they could probably all work something out. But Clary isn’t hers to be jealous of. 

One night Clary goes for drinks with Maia, and Izzy eats an entire chocolate cake and then runs until the sky goes dark and her heart beats too loud to hear her phone ringing.

Izzy doesn’t tell Clary. She isn’t Clary’s responsibility, and Izzy couldn’t bear to ruin the happiness on her face as she tells Izzy about her night while Izzy’s heart breaks in her chest.

But it gets worse, because they start inviting her to their adventures. They go on missions and they have drinks and girl’s nights that Izzy feels out of place in, and Maia takes them to the edge of the pier so she can push Clary in and then grab Izzy’s hand and drag them both into the water. So now, in a sick parody of three months ago when Izzy watched the girl she loved slipping away, she gets to watch her two best friends fall in love and know neither of them will love her. Now, she has lost more than she thought she ever could. 

She stops saying yes to the other girls. She brushes off Clary’s worried looks and offers stories of Alec and Magnus’s latest grotesquely adorable couple-y escapade, and she keeps the door locking when other people knock. 

She starts training too much again, pushing her body to its breaking point over and over again until her mornings go from coffee with Clary to ten-mile runs and ice baths. She tells her brothers that she ate dinner with a hookup and chews her mint gum loudly. And when it’s late and Clary spent the night at Maia’s and Izzy can’t even breathe anymore without her heart hurting, she goes to the kitchen and eats until the only thing she can feel is her throbbing stomach. Then she vomits what she can and crawls back into bed feeling more empty than before. 

After a couple weeks, Clary bursts into Izzy’s room and folds her arms across her chest. She’s trembling a little.

“Iz, why didn’t you tell me it was happening again? I’m your best friend, I thought-”, Clary says, her voice breaking. It hurts like a sharp knife in Izzy’s chest but she doesn’t speak, looking away into the corner of the room. 

“Izzy, we hadn’t seen you in weeks, we were worried out of our minds. What did I do wrong, Iz?” 

Clary is fully crying now, and Izzy doesn’t know what to do. How can she hold Clary like the other girl used to hold her when it’s Izzy’s own fault that Clary is hurt? 

“I’m sorry”, is what she settles on, a whisper from the back of her throat that Clary flinches at when she hears it. 

They start their coffee dates again. This time, Maia comes. Izzy is coerced into a pumpkin spice latte (“It’s seasonal, Izzy, you have to get it!”). Maia forces them to watch Jaws with her and spends the entire movie pointing out the factual inaccuracies. They visit the pier again, but this time Clary hangs back so she can take a running start and tackle Maia and Izzy, throwing them all into the ocean. Izzy starts to remember how to eat sliced bread without feeling like she’s committed a crime, and objectively things are better.

But Izzy is still completely and horribly in love with them, and they are still completely and horribly not in love with her. 

At least, that’s what Izzy thinks, until one late evening visit to their coffee shop Clary leans over and kisses her between sips of their gingerbread lattes. Izzy is almost certain she’s dreaming, and she kisses back softly, tasting the spice on Clary’s lips and inhaling the apple-cinnamon smell she doesn’t think ever leaves. After what feels like hours, Maia pulls Clary off and Izzy is sure this is how she dies. After all, she’s a fantastic shadowhunter, but a scorned and vengeful werewolf, all by herself? She’s pretty screwed. 

Then Maia leans in. Izzy flinches a little, but Maia just laughs under her breath and whispers against her lips, “Don’t worry, I don’t bite.” 

Maia tastes like hazelnut and her skin is soft and warm under Izzy’s fingers when she wraps her hands around the other girl’s neck. 

When they break apart, Clary is blushing a little and Maia teases her incessantly for it until they make it back to Maia’s apartment, where the walls are painted with murals (Clary Fray originals, obviously), and the bed is too small for three people. But Maia is ambitious and Clary has a thing for excessive touching, so they make it work. Snow falls softly outside of the window and the lights across the street illuminate Maia’s hair and where Clary’s hand rests on Izzy’s hip, and Izzy is happy. 

This time, she stays the night.


End file.
